[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[upbeat rock music]
*
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin in Saudi Arabia,
the mecca of meccas.
This week, President Obama visited Saudi Arabia
for a summit of Gulf leaders,
but right from the moment he arrived,
it seemed something was a little off.
woman: The king did not greet Mr. Obama at the airport.
Instead--instead sent a lower-level delegation.
- He was met at the airport when he got off his plane
by the governor of Riyadh, who is a royal
but is not, you know--
is not a senior figure in the government.
- Oh, that is a snub.
[laughter]
You send a governor to meet
the president of the United States?
Just imagine if King Salman
arrived in America and was greeted at the airport
by Arizona governor Doug Ducey.
[laughter]
That would not be acceptable,
even if he was moonlighting as a limo driver.
And--and just in case the snub was not clear enough,
the Saudi king had been shown on television
earlier in the day greeting the leaders
of neighboring states at the airport,
which is like finding out your parents didn't forget
to pick you up from soccer practice.
They showed up, bought an ice cream
for a bunch of other kids,
and then intentionally left without you.
[laughter and applause]
It--it does seem pretty clear
at this point
the Saudis cannot wait
until this president leaves office.
woman: They believe that only the next president,
whether it's Hillary Clinton or even Donald Trump,
will be able to restore Saudi Arabia's status
as America's key ally in the Mideast.
- That actually makes sense, if you think about it.
Donald Trump has a lot in common with the Saudis.
They both inherited wealth,
hate neighboring countries,
and have a decorating style best described
as "King Midas and Elvis design a brothel."
[laughter]
But despite all this tension,
the president tried to smooth things over
during his speech at the conference,
although judging by the camera work
on the Saudi newsfeed,
it may not have gone over great.
- When we look back on the past year,
a lot has gotten done.
I'm confident that a year from now,
we will be able to say
that because of these actions,
all of our nations are more peaceful
and more secure and more prosperous.
And it underscores
the enduring friendship and partnership...
[laughter] - Wow.
It is--it's like the camera actually said,
"Oh, my God, Obama, shut up."
[laughter] "You are so boring."
So--so let's move on to the UK,
the country that gave the world the Beatles
and then punished it with Coldplay.
The UK also got a visit from the president this week,
although their royals gave him a somewhat warmer welcome.
- The queen herself,
in an extraordinary gesture of friendship,
coming out with Prince Philip
to greet the Obamas.
woman: 94-year-old Prince Philip
even drove them to lunch.
- I have never been driven
by a duke of Edinburgh before.
[laughter]
And I can report that it was very smooth riding.
- Sure, sure.
Although let's be honest--
any ride with a 94-year-old man behind the wheel
that doesn't end with your skull
shattered against a tree
counts as a smooth ride.
And--and those were not the only royals
greeting the Obamas on this visit.
woman: A royal handshake from little Prince George,
up past his bedtime to meet the president,
the toddler in a spa robe, matching pajamas,
and slippers, all of it shared
on the young royal's Twitter feed.
"That robe! OMG, so sweet!" one follower wrote,
and, "The most adorable display of a power dynamic ever."
[laughter] - Is it, though? Is it?
'Cause I would say it's a little demeaning
for the president to have to crouch down
and greet a toddler dressed as Hugh Hefner.
[laughter]
Although to be fair,
this trip was not all royal photo ops.
The president also spoke out in favor
of Britain staying in the EU,
something that enraged London's mayor, Boris Johnson,
and he did not hold back.
- In an article for a right-wing tabloid,
Johnson slammed Obama
for taking a bust of Winston Churchill
out of the Oval Office.
Johnson wrote that Obama
was compelled to oppose the UK
due to "the part-Kenyan president's
ancestral dislike of the British empire."
- Holy shit.
Or to put that another way,
"He may not like us because of our history of racism,"
Boris Johnson said racistly.
And--and I'll say this:
it's a little hard to hear a man
reduce Obama's views to him being part Kenyan
when that man is himself clearly
part Cabbage Patch Kid.
[laughter]
And lastly this week, we turn to Norway,
the left testicle in the frigid sea penis
of Scandinavia.
Norway's current government
has come in for criticism recently
for its response to the Syrian migrant crisis,
which has included drafting an asylum policy
they call "one of Europe's toughest"
and deporting nearly 10,000 people
since the beginning of last year.
This has been overseen by their immigration minister,
Sylvi Listhaug,
perhaps the most Norwegian-looking human being
who has ever lived.
And this week, in an attempt to soften her image,
she traveled to the Mediterranean
and jumped into the water
to experience what it was like
to be a migrant,
which already sounds stupid,
and then you see what she was wearing.
- [speaking Norwegian]
[laughter]
- Okay, okay,
I think the most ridiculous part of this stunt
is that this looks genuinely pleasant.
I would happily spend my next vacation
gently floating in the Mediterranean
in a giant pumpkin suit,
although Listhaug did insist
that she had learned something from this experience.
woman: Safely on board the boat again,
Listhaug has a new perspective.
- [speaking Norwegian]
- To see a boat like this when you're drowning--
that must be amazing.
[laughter]
- Yeah.
But how is "seeing a boat
when you're drowning is nice"
something you did not already know?
And for the record, that is not drowning.
That's floating around giggling
dressed like an aquatic Cheeto.
[laughter] And--and listen.
There is no doubt European policy makers
need a better understanding of the dangers faced
by migrants and refugees.
And if belly-flopping around the Mediterranean
like a dolphin on quaaludes
helps you do that,
maybe it's a good thing,
because for the record, until now,
Listhaug has been pretty tone-deaf on this issue.
Back in November, she justified Norway's decision
to turn refugees away
by invoking Jesus.
- [speaking Norwegian]
- I think that Jesus would see
that we have to help as many as possible.
That was what Jesus was concerned with--
that you should help as many as possible,
and that's not about helping many in Norway.
- Oh, okay, obviously she's living
by one of Jesus' most remembered sayings,
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
"Offer not applicable in Norway,
a country that does not exist yet."
And now this.
[orchestral music]
woman: Target, or should I say Targét...
man: Of course, our sophisticated Vicki
says Targét.
What do you think, Vicki?
- Yes, Targét. - "Targét."
man: I think they're an upscale Targét.
- Targét. both: That's Targét.
- Some people call it Targét, of course.
- That's right. - You remember Targét.
man: Well, it used to be Targét.
I think it might be back to Target now.
- Everyone was crazy about Target, or Targét.
- They're a long way from Targét.
- It doesn't have the Targét cachet that it once had.
- Our next one from Target--
Targét, as we like to say. - Exactement.
- How do you feel about your store being called Targét?
- Oh, I love to hear that, Gayle.
- Do you love it?
[laughter] - Moving on,
our main story tonight concerns Puerto Rico,
the island that for decades has been marketed to us
as a beautiful vacation spot.
man: This is the commonwealth of Puerto Rico,
a land of song and laughter.
Mmm, coconut milk
and delicious Puerto Rican rum.
This is really living.
It's the revival of an old coconut mask festival
at Loíza, just 45 minutes from San Juan.
[lively Puerto Rican music]
And how'd you like to see this the morning after?
[chuckles]
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Did that 1950s narrator just make a sex joke?
"Why, if you've got the moxie,
"you can fuck every crazy masked stranger
on the island."
[chuckles]
But Puerto Rico is an island
of 3 1/2 million people,
and they are currently facing a horror
even greater than a demonic Slipknot coconut mask.
- Puerto Rico is in desperate financial trouble.
woman: Puerto Rico is facing a $70-billion public debt
amid a ten-year economic crisis.
- [speaking Spanish]
- Considering the state of our economy,
the debt is not payable.
This is not politics.
This is math.
- That is bad,
because "this is math" is one of the most
dread-inducing sentences
in the English language,
even when it's uttered at the start
of an actual math class.
As foreboding statements go,
it's right up there with, "It'll never grow back,"
and, "Mommy, Whiskers has been napping
for a really, really long time."
Puerto Rico is currently around $70 billion in debt,
and it is wreaking havoc on the island.
man: The poverty rate is a staggering 45%.
Last year alone, over 80,000 people
left for the mainland U.S.
man: Puerto Rico has already shut down
more than 150 schools
in the last few years.
man: The cash-strapped government
has dramatically hiked sales taxes
from 7% to 11 1/2%,
far higher than any in the United States.
- Yes, right now, Puerto Rico
is like the last Tower Records:
everything's overpriced, everyone's being laid off,
and there's still a weirdly large number
of Ricky Martin CDs.
And--and remember, Americans have a personal stake here.
Puerto Ricans are American citizens,
and they and their descendants include
some of our finest judges,
both of our laws and our Idols.
They're some of our top athletes
and our top Guzmans.
Just this week-- just this week,
Lin-Manuel Miranda, the son of Puerto Rican parents,
won the Pulitzer Prize for "Hamilton,"
the Broadway smash he created and stars in.
And last month, he made a heartfelt plea to Congress
on Puerto Rico's behalf.
- If can leave you with anything today,
our island is in crisis.
And if I can help in any way--
if I can get more eyeballs to this crisis,
it's a fixable problem.
I'm urging Congress--
if "Hamilton" tickets will help,
I'm happy to do that too.
man: Ohh!
- Wow, that--that is incredible,
because I'm amazed even he can get tickets.
[laughter]
It is--it is easier for a meerkat
to get into Harvard Law School
than it is to get into that show.
And--and quick side note here:
Congress should take him up on that.
The show is amazing.
Have you seen that clip
from when he performed a work-in-progress version
of the opening song at the White House?
- * Well, the word got around
* They said, "This kid is insane, man" *
* Took up a collection just to send him to the mainland *
* Get your education
* Don't forget from whence you came *
* And the world is gonna know your name *
* What's your name, man?
* Alexander Hamilton
- It's so fucking good!
[cheers and applause] It's so good!
We owe Puerto Rico for that man.
So--so how did we get to the point
where members of Congress are being offered Broadway tickets
to save Puerto Rico?
Well, much of it has to do with the fact
that, as we have talked about before here,
Puerto Rico is not a state but rather,
as a 1901 Supreme Court case stated,
it is a territory that is "foreign to the United States
in a domestic sense,"
which sounds like what a liquor store clerk says
to try and sell surplus cases of Miller High Life.
"Oh, you're looking for a quality foreign beer?
I'd call this foreign in a domestic sense."
[laughter]
And look, we don't need to settle tonight
the question of Puerto Rican statehood.
That is a complicated issue
on which many Puerto Ricans themselves disagree.
But one thing is for sure:
because it's a territory,
many laws that apply to the states
have loopholes concerning Puerto Rico,
and as you will see
time and time again in this piece,
those little legal quirks
have had massive consequences,
some good
but many utterly devastating.
And let's start with a quirk many Puerto Ricans like,
something called Section 936.
It gave tax breaks to encourage businesses
that would otherwise have moved overseas
to move to Puerto Rico.
And it worked.
woman: In the 1970s, the U.S. government
helped attract business to Puerto Rico
by granting generous tax breaks.
That led to a booming manufacturing sector,
particularly pharmaceutical companies.
At its peak, the island was home
to 89 drug manufacturing plants.
- All of a sudden, Puerto Rico was a pharmaceutical paradise.
At its peak, the small city of Barceloneta even housed
14 pharmaceutical and other plants,
including one that produced Viagra.
And that Viagra plant was such a source of pride
that the town's mayor has said,
"We're responsible for a lot of good moments,"
which is one step away
from outright changing the town's motto
to "Barceloneta: You're Welcome for that Boner."
[laughter]
Now, unfortunately for Puerto Rico,
Congress got rid of those tax breaks
to offset a tax cut on the mainland,
phasing them out completely by 2006.
And between that and the U.S. recession,
Puerto Rico lost over half its manufacturing jobs,
putting its economy into a flaccid state
that no amount of Viagra could fix.
And to pay its bills, the government started issuing
tons of municipal bonds.
And a municipal bond is basically an IOU:
Puerto Rico borrows money from someone,
promising to pay it back later with interest.
And for years, people lined up to buy those bonds,
because thanks to some other quirks in the law,
they were very attractive.
woman: Congress decided bonds
from Puerto Rico would be triple tax-exempt.
Those who buy them don't have to pay
federal, state, or local taxes on the bonds.
- The money you earned on them was triple tax-exempt
anywhere in the U.S.
And triple is the best you can have--
like triple fudge brownies,
because double fudge is shit
and quadruple fudge doesn't even exist,
because what would the fourth fudge be?
Now--now, Wall Street loved those tax breaks,
as well as the fact that thanks to yet another legal quirk
that they themselves lobbied for,
they could stash tons of bonds in funds
without putting Puerto Rico in the name.
You might even own Puerto Rican bonds
and not even know it.
Oppenheimer's Maryland Municipal Fund, for instance,
is made up of 50.4% Puerto Rico bonds,
which is insane,
because if you are more than half something,
that is what you should be called.
Even Taco Bell makes sure their ground beef
is less than 50% squirrel lips.
And that's because, as we all know,
the rest is a combination of raccoon dicks
and weasel knees.
And yet Puerto Rico even went a step further
to entice Wall Street,
writing into its constitution
language suggesting that certain bondholders
would be paid first
ahead of anything else,
including funding basic government services,
which is pretty fucked up.
The U.S. owes $1.2 trillion to China,
but if you called 911,
you would not expect them to say,
"Oh, I'm sorry, we chose to send our fire truck money to Beijing.
Have you tried blowing on the fire really hard?"
And it's provisions like that
that kept the money flowing in.
And as their former governor puts it,
Puerto Rico got hooked.
- They were extremely attractive in the marketplace,
and Puerto Rico actually got addicted, I would say, to it.
And--and so it was a lot easier
to just go out and borrow
as opposed to making tough decisions.
- Yeah, that is absolutely true,
but you were the governor for many of those years.
So hearing you complain about addiction
is like hearing Keith Richards complain
about the Rolling Stones' drug problem.
It was you, Keith!
You're the only Rolling Stone
whose blood was a controlled substance!
It was you!
And--and there was one more quirk here
which made Puerto Rico a time bomb,
because unlike states, Puerto Rico cannot authorize
what's called Chapter 9 bankruptcy, which is huge,
because think about that.
If you are massively in debt
and you can't declare bankruptcy,
you are stuck.
And this happened because of a tiny amendment
to a law in 1984,
and the crazy thing is,
no one can say why it was written.
- It's interesting to note that Chapter 9
applied to Puerto Rico from 1933 to 1984,
and then mysteriously,
for some reason,
Puerto Rico was exempt from Chapter 9.
- A provision was stuck into a larger bill
with no explanation or debate.
- There is no legislative history to explain why
Puerto Rico was singled out.
- He's right.
So the next time your obnoxious friend tells you,
"Everything happens for a reason,"
you can simply say, "No, Dan,
"not the 1984 provision exempting Puerto Rico
"from bankruptcy protection,
so shut the fuck up."
[laughter and applause]
Look, we even tried out--
we--we even tried--
we even tried to find out ourselves
why that amendment got attached.
We knew Strom Thurmond had proposed it,
so we asked an archivist at the library
where his papers are kept
to go through the relevant papers,
and they came up with nothing,
which might actually be the best-case scenario there,
because usually when it comes to Strom Thurmond,
the answer to the question, "Where did this come from?"
is either his testicles
or fervent racism.
So--so at this point,
with massive debt
that it's promised to pay ahead of government services
and no access to bankruptcy,
Puerto Rico was fucked.
But wait, because we're only getting started here.
Because four years ago,
in an attempt to turn things around,
they embarked on a disastrous plan
to lure in wealthy individuals and small businesses
by, among other things, exempting them
from capital gains taxes,
which, you have to admit,
is pretty good rich people bait.
It's right up there with tiny dogs in bags
and big, dumb round ice cubes.
They're colder when they're round, you know.
[laughter]
The--the government even created
a video to sell mainlanders on moving,
featuring a businessman
talking in spectacularly condescending tones
about how unexpectedly civilized
life in Puerto Rico is.
man: What we found, first of all,
was a thriving business community--
established, solid,
like the United States.
In terms of family,
I must say I was skeptical at first.
But in the end,
the island has everything you might need--
great possibilities.
I visited schools, and wow, top level--
in English.
I saw living alternatives
up to our standards.
I felt safe.
There are so many little treasures
you want to explore,
complemented with all the comforts,
the necessities you and your family
are accustomed to.
- Ugh.
That level of colonial tone
makes me cringe,
and I'm fucking English.
"Dear, the buildings had roofs.
"The cars had wheels on them.
"But wait, they also had indoor plumbing
and the printed word."
But--but while those tax breaks were part of a plan
to create 50,000 jobs
in 18 months,
a study later found
they only directly created 5,800.
That's 12%.
If an ER doctor told you,
"Congratulations, we got 12% of the G.I. Joe
out of your rectum,"
you would not consider that a job well done.
[laughter]
And while those who relocated
have gotten out of paying
around $420 million in taxes,
Puerto Ricans have been suffering the effects
of savage government cuts,
including hospitals literally struggling
to keep the lights on.
- Puerto Rico's debt problem has gotten so dire,
the Power Authority cut off
a hospital that's behind on its bill.
The Electric Power Authority did at least wait
until surgeries were done for the day today
before pulling the plug.
- Oh, that's nice; they waited till surgeries were done.
I guess it's only the people on life support
that have to worry about the switch
to bicycle power generators.
"Pedal faster, Luis!
We're losing him!"
[laughter]
And with working conditions like those,
is it any wonder that apparently
at least one doctor a day
leaves Puerto Rico?
That is an attrition rate rivaling that
of "Grey's Anatomy."
[laughter] How have so many of you died?
You work in a hospital.
[laughter and applause]
And--and the truly tragic thing here is,
Puerto Rico may soon need those doctors
more than ever.
- Health officials are worried
as they expect the Zika virus
to infect one in five people in Puerto Rico.
woman: The island of Puerto Rico has already seen
450 confirmed cases of the virus
that's been linked to severe birth defects.
- So hold on, on top of debt,
industrial collapse, school closures,
and a sudden influx of tax-dodging assholes,
now Puerto Rico has to worry about
deadly mosquitoes?
It's like the island is being hit with all the plagues
that God felt were too "thinky" for the Bible.
And this is clearly a moment
where Puerto Rico could rightly cry out to its creditors
for mercy.
However, a lot of its creditors
are now hedge funds
who traditionally thrive on this kind of chaos.
man: Hedge funds often invest in debt-ridden economies,
buying up bonds at low prices
and looking to flip them for quick profits.
And Puerto Rico is their latest target.
The strategy has earned them a reputation among critics
as so-called vulture funds.
- It's true: as much as 30% of Puerto Rican debt
is now held by vulture funds.
And if you are alone in the desert
and see vultures perched above you,
your first thought is never,
"Oh, thank God, the vultures are coming to help."
And these vulture funds have lived up to their name,
with a group of them producing a report last year titled
"For Puerto Rico, There's a Better Way,"
suggesting budget cuts
like cutting excess Medicaid benefits
and reducing the number of teachers on the island.
So shaving money out of medicine and education
is your better way.
Well, at least have the intellectual honesty
to then change the title of your report
to "Hey, Puerto Rico-- Fuck You, Pay Me."
Now, the good news here is,
Congress is currently considering a bipartisan bill
that would give Puerto Rico some breathing room
to negotiate with creditors.
And the details are still being worked out,
but if this is done well,
it could be a real help to Puerto Rico.
Unfortunately,
there is now a coordinated campaign to kill it.
man: Who will bail out Puerto Rico?
Washington says you will--
retirement accounts crushed,
a bailout on the backs of savers and seniors.
Tell Congress:
stop the Washington bailout
of Puerto Rico.
- Okay, everything you just saw was bullshit.
First, it's not a bailout.
No one is suggesting a cash infusion.
Second, that ad wasn't paid for by savers and seniors
but by the Center For Individual Freedom,
who've spent nearly $2 million on ads like that.
They are a dark money group,
so it's impossible to say
where that money came from.
[coughing] Hedge funds! Hedge funds!
[coughing] Hedge funds gave them the money!
It's--it's impossible to say.
[coughing] Hedge funds!
[applause] Impossible.
Even--even the sad old people
featured in that ad are bullshit,
because they're all stock footage models.
And if you let the stock footage
of the man with the mustache play out,
he's not even sad,
because he starts fucking smiling!
[laughter] That's amazing.
You can--you can make him react to anything.
Look, hey, stock footage man,
you've been used in a manipulative attack ad.
Oh, don't be sad.
Let's get some ice cream.
Oh, you know what? Bad news.
They're out of ice cream.
But they have cake--
pound cake, though--
with strawberries.
Oh, stock footage man,
you're America's greatest living actor.
And--and this not to say
that regular bondholders have not been hurt.
In fact, some Puerto Rican bondholders
may have got the worst of this
thanks to one more quirk,
because some of the bonds were underwritten
by the investment bank UBS,
which sold them to one of its own divisions,
essentially selling them to itself.
UBS then off-loaded those bonds
onto Puerto Rican customers,
even though its own sales force
felt they were so risky,
they came with up with a list of 22 reasons not to sell them.
And 22 is a lot of reasons to ignore.
If a waiter at Bennigan's
says she has 22 reasons
she doesn't feel comfortable selling you the Cobb salad,
you listen to her, and you go across the street
to a fucking Sizzler.
[laughter and applause]
Now--now, UBS says they did nothing wrong,
and technically, they're right.
I mean, sure, UBS should never have been able
to sell those bonds to themselves.
It's actually illegal to do that
under the Investment Company Act of 1940.
But--and I think you know what's coming by now--
that doesn't apply in Puerto Rico,
because apparently no laws apply to businessmen down there.
I would not be surprised if in Puerto Rico,
hedge fund managers somehow have the ability to fly
due to some bullshit exemption to the law of gravity
Strom Thurmond wrote up in the fucking 1980s.
Look, the point is,
3.5 million Americans are facing a dire crisis right now,
and the clock is ticking.
Their next debt payment
is due on May 1st,
and in the short term,
they need relief from hedge fund lawsuits
and an opportunity to try to restructure their debt.
And in the long term,
we need to stop treating Puerto Rico
like it's just a tax haven
or a place to have terrifying sex
with a stranger in a coconut mask.
And instead, we have to start treating it
like an island of American citizens
whose fate is interwoven with ours.
And look, there are certainly better voices than mine
to speak on behalf of Puerto Rico.
Luckily, there is someone with Puerto Rican parents
and an amazing voice,
and he is here tonight.
Please welcome the great Lin-Manuel Miranda.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat piano music]
*
- Yeah.
* My family's from Puerto Rico
* The tropical destination
* Where you can spend your Washingtons *
* The spot where you vacation
* A commonwealth with not a lot of wealth *
* A not quite nation
* $70-billion topic of conversation *
* Hoping to God John Oliver's comical dissertation *
* Resonates with the Congress
* That got us in this situation *
* Along with suicidal tax incentive declarations *
* "Yeah, we'll pay your bonds first" *
* Close the hospital, fuck the patients" *
* This is an island 100 miles across *
* A hurricane is coming, and we're running up a loss *
* We got here through a million misguided loopholes *
* That giveth and take away businesses *
* And poop in our soup bowls
* They crapped in yours, they crapped in mine *
* And somewhere down the line, Strom Thurmond's ghost *
* Busted a cap in a chance at Chapter 9 *
* The great debate over statehood has to wait *
* That's Rose and Jack on the "Titanic" asking *
* "When's our next date?"
* The ship is sinking, we have to say *
* And pay shit that matters
* Then we'll figure out our Facebook relationship status *
* Will they or won't they
* It's "Friends'" Rachel and Ross *
* We have to help our island just 100 miles across *
* To recap: 3.5 million American civilians *
* Are on the hook for billions
* Vulture funds are circling and lobbying for payout *
* There's nothing left to tax or cut *
* We're stuck, we need a way out *
* Allow them to restructure
* There's no structure for what happens *
* If you let this crisis play out *
* When May is less than a day out *
* It's nonpartisan
* The hard part is in convincing Congress *
* Puerto Rico matters so their heart is in the fight *
* For relief, not a bailout, just relief *
* A belief that you can pass legislation to ease our grief *
* Paul Ryan, I'll come sing "Hamilton" at your house *
* I'll do-si-do with Pelosi
* I'll wear my "Hamilton" blouse *
* Your citizens are suffering
* Stop the bleeding, stop the loss *
* Help Puerto Rico, it's just 100 miles across *
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
That's Alex Lacamoire on keys.
- Lin-Manuel Miranda, ladies and gentlemen.
Lin-Manuel Miranda.
That's our show.
We're off next week. We'll be back after that.
Thanks for watching. Good night.
[bright tone]